


We Belong

by SpidEMcD



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-27
Packaged: 2018-08-12 10:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7930735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpidEMcD/pseuds/SpidEMcD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaejoong wants Yunho back.  Changmin won't give him up.  Who will Yunho chose?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Part 1 songfic is "Said I Loved You...But I Lied" by Michael Bolton - if you're interested.<br/>Part 2 songfic is "If You Go" by Jon Secada<br/>Part 3 songfic is "We Belong" by Pat Benetar</p>
<p>Trigger warning for depression/suicidal ideations</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Said I Loved You, But I Lied

  
  
Jaejoong stood at the corner, cap pulled low over his brow. It was early evening and not many people were out and about on the street. But that didn’t mean that the fans didn’t know where Yunho and Changmin lived. Jae had to be careful not to be spotted. If he wore a mask and sunglasses, it would be a dead giveaway. The hat would have to do.

  
The building in Cheongdam-dong was secure. It had to be. The sasaeng had a way of getting into places where they shouldn’t be. Once Dong Bang Shin Ki split and the blame and death threats to the two remaining members poured in, Lee Soo Man had no choice but to add additional security details.

  
His heart ached with the memories of fans spitting on his precious Yunho and throwing cruel words at the two of them. They had been labeled cowards – traitors, even. But Jaejoong knew who the real coward was. He was standing on the corner, contemplating how to gain access to the one man he loved more than he ever realized.

  
“How hard can it be,” he said aloud, as if summoning up courage to proceed with his plan. There was nothing between him and the front door.

  
Once traffic cleared, he crossed the street and strode confidently to the entrance. His hand hesitated as he gripped the chrome handle and was immediately met by the doorman.

  
“Can I help you?”

  
Jae cleared his throat nervously. “Um, yes, well, I was hoping I could meet with Jung Yunho,” he said coyly, remember to use Yunho’s full name.”

  
“Is he expecting you?” The burly man inquired casually.

  
“Not exactly.”

  
“I’m sorry, then I can’t let you in.”

  
Putting his hand to the back of his neck, Jaejoong frowned and squeezed away his tension. “Could you please let him know I am here? Tell him it’s Kim Jaejoong.”

  
“I know who you are, sir. I don’t think you should be here.” The doorman had worked this building since before the boys moved in. He had been expecting to see this particular member of JYJ try to gain access. In the beginning he had prepared – no practiced – rejecting the young man on Dong Bang Shin Ki’s behalf, trying to be professional without letting his personal feelings on the matter bias his behavior. Years had gone by, and it never happened.

  
Tonight was a gift. He had known the minute Jaejoong set foot in the lobby that time had dulled the bad feelings for all involved. Karma was coming around, and he had his part to play.

 

“Changminnie, get the intercom,” Yunho yelled from the bathroom.

  
“Hyung, I’m eating!”

  
“I’m indisposed,” Yunho called out.

  
Changmin lost his appetite. He headed to the panel on the wall and picked up the receiver. He had only to listen to a few words before a frown dragged his lips down.

  
“No way…not in this lifetime!”

  
Yunho had finished and was walking down the hall toward the maknae when he witnessed Changmin slam the receiver back into the cradle.

  
“What was that about?”

  
“Nothing.” Min bit his lower lip, still scowling as he returned to the kitchen.

  
Yunho didn’t know what to say. Changmin had never been rude to the front desk staff before. He figured he had better call down and apologize on the younger man’s behalf.

  
Changmin expected the leader to come in and berate him, but when he didn’t, there was no other choice than to do what was expected: apologize in person. Finding Yunho on the intercom, he was mortified.

  
“Hyung, hang up, now!”

  
Yunho turned in the younger man’s direction, his face showing disappointment.

  
“Min-ah…”

  
“He has no right.”

  
“You don’t have to be here, but I want to see him,” Yunho’s misty eyes pleaded with the maknae’s.

  
“This is my home,” Changmin said flatly.

  
“It’s my home too. He’s on his way up. If you want to leave the apartment, go to the pool or sit in the lobby.”

  
The younger man wasn’t willing to give up on the issue. He stood before Yunho with arms folded across his chest, eye’s mismatched and glaring. “I have put up a lot from you…but this…this….” He couldn’t finish. He knew that Yunho wanted to make peace with Jae since the very beginning, even with all the negative publicity and backlash they both took after the schism. Yunho was too kind and forgiving. It was the man’s main fault.

 

Yunho bristled as Changmin slammed his bedroom door shut. Within seconds, the front door buzzer sounded, and he found himself taking a few deep breaths to steady his nerves. He didn’t want to be smiling when he opened the door, knowing Jaejoong would take it seriously and think that all was forgiven. Yunho had to wonder, how much did he really forgive, and could he ever forget? 

  
The door swung open unceremoniously as if the leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki was letting the UPS man in to deliver a package. He half-heartly raised his arm in gesture to usher the man into the apartment, aware that Jaejoong was vibrating with energy just being so close. Too bad Yunho couldn’t feel the same way.

  
Jae looked crestfallen at the lackluster greeting. Surely he expected to be welcomed by his former lover with open arms. Yunho couldn’t bring himself to immediately say anything.

  
He could hear Changmin’s voice in his head…what the hell do you want? But that wouldn’t be a very diplomatic welcome. “Hey,” is what he ended up settling on as the awkward silence grew in a matter of seconds since opening the door.

  
“Hi,” Jaejoong tried to hold his excitement in check. “Thanks for seeing me.”

  
What do you want? Changmin’s voice rang in Yunho’s head again. He was afraid he would utter this rude refrain at any moment. Evidently, he was more anxious with the man’s presence than he expected.

Jaejoong shifted his weight from foot to foot as Yunho let out a heavy sigh. “Can we sit somewhere and talk,” he offered, hoping to be invited beyond the foyer.

  
“This was a mistake,” Yunho told him.

  
Jae’s lips made a little ‘oh’ and he willed himself to stay strong. “Mistake or not, Yunho. I have something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you years ago.”

  
“I don’t need your apologies.”

  
He felt like Yunho had just slapped him across the face. He definitely wasn’t there to apologize. He wouldn’t do anything differently –except for tell the man he loved just how much he meant to him.

  
“It’s not…I didn’t come…” he found many false starts. Perhaps Yunho needed an apology of some sort. Jae would gladly apologize on behalf of the fandom that went rogue and smeared his and Changmin’s names through the mud. But somehow he didn’t think Yunho wanted to hear that.

  
“I came to make a confession.”

  
Yunho smirked and Jaejoong couldn’t blame him. The words sounded lame even to the person who spoke them. And yet, he felt the heat of a blush creep over his cheeks. Yunho could always disarm him with one look…any look. God how he missed the man.  


“Follow me,” Yunho said walking past him.

 

  
Jaejoong followed obediently, trying not to notice that there were no photographs of the five of them anywhere. There were, however, pictures of Yunho with friends, and Yunho and Changmin. It hurt not to see any of the memories of Yunho and Jaejoong: Yunjae moments that the world never knew about.

  
“I’m listening,” Yunho dropped into a chair, one leg folded under him.

  
Jae watched as he drummed his fingers on the arm impatiently. He took the seat across from him and cleared his throat.  
“How have you been? You look good.”

  
Fuck you, Changmin’s voice screamed in Yunho’s head. He took another deep breath and thought about how to move the conversation along.

  
“You came here to confess...”

  
Jaejoong didn’t like the uncomfortable tension coming from the man. He had hoped that Yunho and Changmin would be more welcoming. Well, he figured Changmin would want to punch him in the face; but at least Yunho let him in the door. That was a good sign. This terseness may only be Yunho being cautious.

  
“Where’s Changmin-ah?”

“Locked in his room.” Yunho folded his arms. “He really does hate you.”

  
“Do you still hate me, too?”

  
Yunho unfolded his leg, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs with his hands folded together.

  
Jaejoong melted when the man pushed his pouty lips against his hands and looked over at him.

  
Yunho inhaled deeply, exhaling evenly while placing his forehead where his lips had just been.  
It was a long time before anyone spoke.

 

Yunho wasn’t ready for this. Years had gone by and he wondered in the past how he would have handled this situation had it occurred within the first year of their separation. The loss of Jaejoong hurt more than the loss of the other two members combined. The hype of the Yunjae couple and all the fan service they gave started out as an inside joke. But Jaejoong had given Yunho something he needed: a confidant. The guidance and unconditional loyalty morphed into something incomprehensible to outsiders, to fans.

  
Yunjae became this Yaoi fantasy of most of the fandom. And they played into it at times. Other times, a simple hug of gratitude, a touch of a knee while sitting or Yunho’s insane need to feel connected to another human being through a physical outlet was mistaken as a homosexual encounter. It didn’t bother him that much. Yunho was comfortable in his sexual identity, even if the fans had it wrong.

  
But Jaejoong had been different. He needed Yunho’s acknowledgement as much as Yunho needed his. Changmin was stand-offish, hating to be touched. Junsu had his twin, Junho, whom he constantly called and talked with. Yoochun was an emotional wreck half the time, so worried about his family that he took to confiding in Junsu and Jaejoong before he would ever talk to the leader about his problems. Of course, Yunho had his own share of family problems, and taking on Yoochun’s would have suffocated him.

  
Jaejoong, on the other hand, was capable of caring for each and every one of them equally. He recognized the need in Yunho and fed into it. It was Yunho’s fault for becoming dependent on Jaejoong. When Jae confessed his sexual attraction to Yunho, the leader was shocked and uncertain how to turn the man down. He was codependent on Jaejoong, and the group’s success was taking off so quickly, there wasn’t time to think about it. So their behavior went unchecked.

  
“I don’t know what I feel anymore,” he said looking up at Jaejoong. The man had become a stranger to him. And no matter how much he had hurt Yunho with his past actions, the emotions were still raw and unexplored. Yunho had locked them away in his psyche hoping to never have to deal with them.

 

Jaejoong bit his lip, unsure how to continue. Yunho looked old, weary, unmoved by his presence. It was disconcerting.  
“I came here to tell you how much I’ve missed you,” he began slowly, carefully choosing his words.

  
The snort that issued from Yunho disarmed him.

  
“I never wanted this much time to transpire without speaking to you. But—“he said quickly; however, Yunho cut him off.

  
“Yes, I know. I was informed of your attempts as ‘my people’ kept you away.”

  
Jaejoong’s eye’s widened. “You knew, and you did nothing?”

  
The extreme sadness in Yunho’s face made him change his tone. “I’m sorry. I made a choice, and my only regret was that I should have never left you behind.”

  
“But you did,” the man’s voice quivered.

  
Jae felt like crying, eyes welling with tears, but he did not want to shed any in front of this man. No amount would put him back in Yunho’s good graces. He took a deep breath and bolstered his resolve.

  
“You knew what my feelings were towards you. But what you don’t know is that…I lied.”

  
Yunho reacted as if he had just punched him in the stomach.

  
Jaejoong was shaking his head. “No, no. I didn’t lie about my feelings. I lied about how much I cared for you. It was so much more deeply than just that one emotion. You empowered me, made me feel like I mattered. The bond that tethered us was stronger than love, stronger than lust, stronger than friendship, brotherhood—incomprehensible…and what I considered inconceivable, until I realized what it was like to live without you.”

 

Changmin had snuck out of his room and eavesdropped on the conversation taking place in the living room. He had expected shouting, maybe some crashing of things being thrown about. Yunho and Jaejoong had a history of heated interactions that often left a room in shambles. What he hadn’t considered was that the two men had grown so far apart, neither knew how to deal with the other.

  
All Changmin wanted was to make sure his hyung didn’t come out scarred any more than Jaejoong had previously left him.  
“If that bond, as you call it, was so strong and plaited by so many threads, how is it that you cut it so easily?”

  
Changmin pumped his fist in the air, glad that Yunho had spoken his mind so eloquently. The fact that Jaejoong couldn’t respond was satisfying. He and Yunho both had enough excuses to last them a life time.

  
“I want to repair it. I will do anything to make that bond whole again.”

  
Min heard the plea in Jae’s voice as clear as a bell ringing. Yunho, no doubt, would fall under the doe-eyed man’s charms.  
“Do you really think you could have that back?”

  
Was Yunho caving in early? He expected the leader to at least put up a bit of a fight.

  
“It’s what I want, more than anything else. As clichéd as it sounds…I can’t live like this anymore…without you I feel…lost.”  
Damn it, he went right for Yunho’s soft spot! Changmin suppressed the need to shout at one or both of the men, settling for a hiss of disapproval.

  
“You broke me, Jae.”

  
Changmin grimaced. Yunho’s confession was coming.

  
“When you left, my end of the bond disintegrated. What you label as incomprehensible, inconceivable, was not indestructible.”

  
Changmin put his back against the wall and slid down, half relieved, half in anguish over hyung’s pain so plainly heard in his voice.

  
“We can start over…?”

  
Now Jaejoong just sounded pathetic to Changmin. Yunho had just bared his soul to the man and Jae was selfish enough to push him for some kind of reconciliation.

  
Hyung saying nothing in response made Min nervous. For all he knew, Yunho leaped out of his seat and was planting a big wet one on Jae’s lips. He shook the thought from his mind.

  
“I will take anything you are willing to give.”

  
Min crawled down the hall and back into his room. Yunho had obviously crumbled under Jaejoong’s charming ways.


	2. If You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changmin's fight for Yunho

Changmin was eating breakfast unsure if he was anticipating Yunho’s company or dreading it. Shortly after he returned to his room the previous evening, the front door opened and closed. Then Yunho’s bedroom door closed. He was grateful that there was no make-up sex involved after Jae’s manipulation of Yunho’s good heart.

The leader arrived, barely glancing at him. Changmin watched as Yunho fished a travel mug from the cupboard and poured coffee into it. It was a shock – he didn’t even know there were cups like that in the apartment. The bigger surprise was that Yunho had a backpack slung over one shoulder. 

“You going somewhere?” He asked casually.

Yunho froze. 

Changmin continued to eat, pretending not to wait for a response.

“I’m moving out.”

The maknae choked.

“I’ll stay at a hotel until I get my own place. SM will have someone gather my things.”  
Yunho didn’t have the audacity to turn around and face him. Changmin wasn’t sure how to handle the situation.

“I don’t know why you think you have to leave.” The spoon dropped from his hand and clattered against the porcelain bowl holding his rice. 

The leader turned around, mug in hand, looking like he was going to dash out of the room before Changmin could get an answer.

“Min-ah…Changmin-sshi. I annoy the shit out of you. I know I do. You text me all the time. I make so many mistakes with how I live here that it frustrates you.”

Changmin tried to interrupt but the older man held out his hand.

“Last night I did something unforgiveable. I made you feel unwelcomed in your own home. I was selfish, inconsiderate and a total asshole.”

Yunho’s face betrayed no emotion, only sorrow. It hurt Min’s heart to see him so…depressed.

“You can’t go. You can’t cook or clean? How will you manage?” Changmin wanted to punch himself for saying stupid, irrelevant things instead of how he really felt.

“There are people you can pay to do that,” Yunho said flatly.

“Or you can just stay here and I’ll do that for you, like I have been.”

“It’s time I got out on my own. You need privacy, a place of your own where you can live like you want, be with whomever you want – whenever you want.”

‘I never needed it before because I had you… I’ve always had you.’ Changmin couldn’t say it aloud. He understood that Yunho was really talking about himself. If he and Jaejoong were going to reconcile, then Yunho would need privacy and a place of his own. This had nothing to do with his own needs.

 

Yunho assumed a finality in their conversation and left the maknae staring at the space he had just occupied. The walk down the hall and the elevator ride make Yunho feel extraordinarily lonely. He knew it was only the firsts of many excursions that he would make alone now that he was moving out. He just hadn’t thought he’d feel so empty so soon. Hell, he wasn’t even out of the building yet!

He waited anxiously as the doorman hailed a taxi for him. There were a few people milling about outside, but they didn’t look like hard core fans. With any luck they’d just say hello and wave him on his way. 

Once in the cab, he relaxed. He opened his mouth to say something, only to realize that Changmin wasn’t seated next to him. In that moment he realized that he forgot to apologize to the maknae for taking him for granted. His list of many failings was adding up quickly.

By the time he reached the SM building, he was convinced he was practically worthless. No wonder half the SM family thought he looked cold and mean. Had he treated them like he treated Changmin? How many people had he insulted with his curt personality? 

Lee Soo Man was waiting for him at the entrance. If his interaction with Changmin indicated it was going to be a bad day, having Soo Man waiting for him meant it was going to be a horrible day. This was the only man who could instill fear in Yunho just by being in the room. He greeted the executive with a 90 degree bow.

“We need to talk.” Soo Man informed him.

Yunho’s only choice was to follow him to his office. He had barely taken a seat across the huge mahogany desk when the executive spoke.

“I’ve had several calls regarding you this morning.”

The leader of Dong Bang Shin Ki swallowed hard. He imagined Changmin calling, but who else? “Several?” He asked cautiously.

“You met with Jaejoong last night,” Soo Man stated nonchalantly. 

“I did,” Yunho summoned his courage.

“I’m disappointed. After all he did to you, I thought you had better sense.”

“It was a moment of weakness,” Yunho admitted. He kept his eyes lowered.

“Changmin says you are moving out?”

“Yes. I need some time and space. So does he.”

“He’s perfectly happy having you at his side.”

Yunho cocked his head quizzically. “It’s not like the band is dissolving. I’m just moving into my own place.”

“I know the band is not going anywhere, you still have to fulfill your contract. It would be good if the two of you settled whatever differences you have and continued to play nice,” Soo Man warned him.

Yunho left the office feeling like he had just been scolded by the headmaster for using a permanent marker on the whiteboard. He couldn’t understand why giving Changmin what he needed was something bad. Since when had privacy become taboo?

There wasn’t much time to think about it as said maknae ambushed him in the hallway leading to the rehearsal rooms. Yunho was suddenly off balance, being dragged by his wrist toward a door. He tripped across the threshold, catching himself as Changmin slammed the door shut and locked it.

“Yah, this is no way to treat your hyung!”

 

Changmin was angry. It wasn’t his usual, garden variety irritated at people’s general idiocy angry. This emotion was built out of trepidation, a genuine sense of abandonment and a lot of turmoil about his own feelings for Yunho. The forceful push that sent the older man sprawling to the floor was merely the by-product of a hatred he had at his own inability to have a heart-felt conversation with the man. Over the last ten years he had played his part as the mean little brother, a soul fighter who took what he wanted from his bandmates, always the third wheel to their fan service pairings, cock blocker extraordinaire between Yunho and Jaejoong; often he felt like he was more of a leader in public than his older members. He wanted to have a civil conversation with Yunho much like Jaejoong had the previous evening. But he doubted Yunho would have taken him seriously.

He knew that the leader would understand him best in the way he was accustomed to behaving: perceived threats and potential violence. Because when push came to shove, and that’s exactly what had just happened, Yunho would see it for what it really was: Changmin’s need to be heard. The young man stared at his friend on the floor, their eyes glaring at each other before Changmin began to pace. 

“Betrayal…” Changmin started, not sure if he should begin there. But it was the first word that fell from his lips. He felt that way from the moment he realized the three members who became JYJ had abandoned the remaining two members of Dong Bang Shin Ki. For two years he and Yunho worked to clear their reputation, did everything they could to keep the band alive and in the minds of the fans – despite the negative views of JYJ’s perceived slavery. 

Every day he needed to hear his hyung remind him that they were good enough, that he was worthy of being the other half of DBSK. Yunho worked hard to improve his vocals, increase his range so that their harmonies would balance each other. Changmin tortured himself to move more like Yunho, to lose himself in the music enough to let his body dictate the dance steps instead of his calculating mind. He saw himself as the weak link in the duo; and Yunho’s perfectionism drove both of them to success, lest he get left behind by yet another member.

Changmin stopped pacing for a moment, looking forlornly at the man on the floor who gave him his undivided attention. “You’ve made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. You’ve taught me so much…and now you just walk back to him? Back into the arms of a man who used you, threw you away, left you shattered?

“How many times did I try to crawl away and hide? Huh? How many? Only you know, because only you came and pulled me back to reality: our reality.

“But what you didn’t know was how many times I purposefully hid just so you could find me.”  
He saw the surprised look on the older man’s face.

“You became so disillusioned by their betrayal, it became hard for you to trust again – even yourself. At first I thought your coming to deal with my withdrawal was to protect me. As much as I had always protested that just because I was the youngest, it didn’t mean I needed protecting; you tried that much harder to shield me from the garbage thrown our way. But one day I realized that you were guarding yourself; not me.”

Changmin took a breath. The look on Yunho’s face told him he had touched upon the truth. He began pacing again.

“You need people; their trust, their touch. It’s like some autistic tendency that keeps you grounded. Jaejoong was your tether. Once he left, you needed a replacement, and I realized that if I didn’t step up, I could lose you.”

The pacing ended with him standing directly in front of Yunho, their eye’s meeting.

“You manipulated me?” 

Changmin heard the pain and uncertainty in Yunho’s voice. He hung his head, no longer able to hold onto Yunho’s fierce gaze.

“It’s funny how you choose to see it that way,” he said softly. “I have loved you for a long time, hyung. I have always known how incomprehensible and inconceivable loving you could be. It’s all consuming and the reason we fight like we do.

“I have never denied my love for you. I’ve never even hidden it from you. It was just overshadowed by something everyone perceived to be bigger, more acceptable.”

He chanced a glance at the older man, surprised to see an emotion contorted across Yunho’s face that he had never seen there before.

“You aren’t as broken as you think. If you were, then there would be no way you and I could have ever continued on as a duo, or even in this industry. There’s a reason we work. You don’t complete me, but I have a completeness to my life because you have shown me how to be a better person.”

Their eyes met again.

“Through all the hardships we have suffered, you have never lost sight of who you are and what you wanted. You have taught me to do the same. We complement each other, and the only way for one of us to be broken is for both of us to be broken.”


	3. We Belong

Part 3 - We Belong

After that, practice, for all intents and purposes, was cancelled. Changmin’s confession left Yunho stunned and unsure of what to do next. Two men claim to love him, to be in love with him. He found it disturbing, seeing how he’s always considered himself to be heterosexual. He should have put a stop to the pretense a dozen years earlier. But now it seems too late. 

He was capable of loving them, but his love was more or less agape and not focused on pure romance. Jaejoong had always wanted a sexual component to their relationship. But Yunho had grown away from the man and the idea of a bisexual existence. Changmin had never pressured him for that, yet they had cuddled and slept in the same bed. Had the younger man, perhaps, mistaken his bond with Yunho as romantic love versus the tether for the touchy-feely needs of the leader? 

Yunho left the SM building out the back entrance. He hadn’t met up with his entourage of security, dismissing anyone who suggested he wait. Yunho needed this time to be alone, to think. The throng of fans camped out at the front of the building made it impossible for him to escape in that direction. He had no choice but to find a way out of a parking lot that only had one exit.

He spied the first SUV that was backed into a parking space, allowing him to get over the concrete wall. With a few quick steps and a well-placed toe-hold in the front tire wheel well, he was able to hop onto the hood of the vehicle before scrambling up the wind shield and stepping onto the roof. From there, it was only a short hop over the razor ribbon on top of the wall. Yunho had no fear. He needed to get out of there without anyone following him.

Looking at the obstacle and the distance to the ground on the other side, Yunho decided it was best if he wore his backpack on his chest. The drop down to the ground was about three meters; not really much, but he would have to hurtle over the sharp metal, which in all likelihood would not give him much time to plant both feet on the ground for a solid landing. Best to be prepared to roll out of the fall if needed.

His body soared through the air arcing gracefully beyond the metal death trap. Yunho landed forcefully, jogged through the momentum that propelled him until he was able to slow to a fast walk. Armed only with his baseball cap and sunglasses, he moved along aimlessly, hands jammed in his jacket pockets. He wished he had brought his iPod today, but in his rush to leave the dorm, he left it behind. It didn’t matter, he wouldn’t have heard any of the music. It would have only served as a distraction from his thoughts. 

Yunho’s mind was plagued with guilt. He had led them both on; one in the name of fan service, the other he hadn’t even realized he had done it…not until his maknae spelled it out for him earlier that day. It would explain why Changmin had always been more aggressive toward him - both in the early days and once Jaejoong was out of the picture.

The leader chuckled sarcastically to himself. He knew he was thick at times - especially in the relationship department - but there had always been someone else in the group to ask him if he was intentionally being dense or was really clueless when it came to being adored. Since it had only been the two of them, no one had told Yunho that he was charming the pants off his maknae. In hindsight, most of Changmin’s behavior pointed to him either looking for signs from the leader that Yunho felt the same way; or that he was pushing his personal boundaries to gather enough courage to confess to the older man.

Either way the fault lay in Yunho: for not setting both men straight and telling them his real feelings or intentions; for his self-serving need for human contact; for his uncompromising principles that led to the split of the five members. 

So absorbed in his thoughts, Yunho was mortified when the blast of several car horns had him facing oncoming traffic. He had carelessly walked into the street, vaguely following a crowd of pedestrians. What he hadn’t realized was that the light had already changed. In K-dramas, characters had ample time to jump out of the way, but failed to do so. Yunho had no time and managed to react enough not to be splattered on the pavement. He did, however, end up sprawled on the ground, feet ahead of the vehicle with a driver who was paying enough attention to brake early. 

Everything stopped in that instant: Yunho’s thoughts, traffic, and witnesses. No one was quite sure whether or not the man in the street was injured. It did seem that a million eyes were focused on the fact that it was a celebrity. Fan girls screamed in horror as pedestrians and the driver of the offending vehicle attended to Yunho’s well-being. 

“I’m fine,” he told them, his legs shaking as he stood. “It’s not your fault. I wasn’t paying attention,” he assured the driver, bowing in apology.

A quick assessment of the situation and Yunho realized that enough people knew who he was and were about to converge on him. With traffic at a stand-still, he took the opportunity to run to safety and away from the crowd.

It wasn’t until he was down an alley that he stopped to catch his breath. Bent over with his hand on his chest feeling his heart beat a frantic tattoo, he understood just how close to death he had been and how distracted he had become. Yunho needed to center himself, to go somewhere safe where he could think without worry. He needed perspective.

He let his feet carry his body eastward, not really sure why other than he was one of the Rising Gods of the East. If you couldn’t figure out where you were, it was a safe bet to return home and rediscover yourself. Yunho smiled, proud that he could still come up with something profound while his mind felt so jumbled. And then he wondered if something as simple as a return to the familiar was why Jaejoong had come to his apartment and confessed.

Perhaps the oldest member who had been denied leadership found himself lost as leader of the new band he had formed. The three members who left Dong Bang Shin Ki had more solo projects than they did as a group. Yunho started to wonder if that brotherhood bond of shared space and time was lacking with JYJ. Their lives have diverged into different careers, coming together as one group too infrequently. Sure he and Changmin had individual performances as actors, but when it came to music, they were a duet. There were solo projects, but nothing that separated them from being DBSK. Had the premier J lost his way, seeking refuge in what was strong and whole after being torn asunder?

Yunho believed it possible. He had wondered what would have happened if he or Changmin or both of them had left SM. Would Lee Soo Man have blacklisted them all? Surely. But if they had left if DBSK failed as a duo, it could have gone either way. That was a thought Yunho denied himself. He could not – would not imagine a life any other way. He couldn’t give up his dream, and would never abort his position as leader of the Gods. They had risen, succeeded and the strong had survived. All five of them had survived, just not as originally planned.

And yet Jaejoong was forcing his way back into Yunho’s orbit. Why? What did he have to gain? A lover? Certainly this would not be a good move for his career, nor for his friendship with Junsu and Yoochun, because being with the leader of DBSK meant you supported him fully, and supported the company he was such a valuable part of. And Jae had obliterated that years ago. There was much more to be lost at this point in time. He’d only be gaining perceived stability in a chaotic ecosystem.

Yunho abandoned his thoughts for a moment, stepping into a convenience store. He needed a Coke. It was time to break the ban on soda and enjoy the effervescence of carbonation in the hopes that it would jiggle some thoughts free so that he could make sense of his current situation. He paid for the drink, not realizing the cashier had recognized him. Once outside he was back focused on Jaejoong and the confession, intending on heading to the Han to drink his cola and contemplate his life while staring out at the water.

Instead, he found himself approaching Dong Daemun. Ironically the East Gate of Joseon was another omen. Perhaps he had subconsciously gone in this direction taking a path to potential enlightenment. Whatever the reason, he was there looking up at the lit structure in awe. There was something calming about the landmark that grounded him in body and spirit…that was until someone shouted his name.

Yunho looked around at a small gathering of girls that had noticed him. He was unsure if they had been following him, and he didn’t really care. They kept their distance, and as long as they did so, he would continue on his merry way – wherever that might be, as the Han was in the opposite direction. But the crowd seemed to close in on him forcing him to take refuge down an alley.

Which turned out to be a bad idea. The alley was a dead end. Seeing how that he was Jung Yunho at the moment and not U-Know Yunho, he chose to do something uncharacteristic of his celebrity self. Much like at the back parking lot of SM, he surveyed his surroundings for a possible egress. There was no fence to hop, but if he could get to the fire escape on the building to the left, he could climb several storeys to the roof and hide out there. 

He only had a short time to get upward before the fans converged in the alleyway. So Yunho climbed onto a dumpster and leapt toward the closest ladder. Climbing quickly, he managed to get to a landing before the first fans made it to the opening between the buildings. Hiding in the shadows, he watched as they looked around, confused. Once they had dispersed he finished his climb to the rooftop.

Five storeys wasn’t really high, not to him; but it was far enough off the ground to keep others from following him on his trek. What he hadn’t realized was that the group of fans didn’t leave the vicinity. And they certainly figured out where he had gone, as was evident by the gathering crowd looking and pointing in his direction. Yunho really couldn’t see them well, as there were lights on the roof, lights that pointed to a billboard posted there. Evidently he was casting a shadowy figure against the advertisement. When he turned to see what he was standing in front of, his signature laugh escaped his lips and seemed to echo around him.

There, larger than life, was his likeness holding a Coke and smiling. He remembered shooting the CV, but never cared to know when commercials would air or campaign ads would be promoted. In fact, he didn’t even drink any Coke during that shoot. It seemed appropriate that he should find himself standing in front of it with the intentions of drinking one now.

It was as if he was fated to come to this spot at this time. He was looking for direction, and in doing so, it led him to himself…in the weirdest sense possible. If today’s journey had been to reach this place, then what he was about to do was predestined. Once he climbed up onto the decking of the billboard, he took a seat under his likeness, extracted the Coke from his backpack and cracked it open.

The view was good. He could see for quite a distance, and all the lights reminded him of Christmas time. He liked this perspective. Being above the city made him feel serene. The first sip of cola was like heaven on his tongue. In that moment it was about him and no one else. Everything fell away down to the ground where flashes of light competed for his attention. 

After his third sip, the thoughts of Jaejoong and Changmin started easing back to the forefront of his mind. He stood and began pacing that small ledge, weighing the pros and cons of two men loving him. Yunho had spent a good part of his trek ignoring the fact that two men in love with him was his biggest problem. He chuckled ironically at the idea. Most people were struggling daily with being happy with their lives, and here he was freaking out over two people and the notions of love. His life was a whole different kind of messed up.

Looking at gigantic U-Know head, he started a conversation. “Yah, you and me, we got it tough, right?” He paced away half expecting a revelation of the imagination. When “U-Know head” didn’t respond, he turned back and addressed him. “Normal people, when faced with a choice, either decide or talk things out…well, I guess I’m talking things out…with…myself…sort of….

“What kind of leader am I?” His voice went from sounding jovial to serious. “How can I choose?” He looked up at his oversized persona feeling tears well in his eyes. Did he have to choose? Changmin made him think so. 

Yunho continued to pace, now focused on the maknae’s confession. 

“It was just overshadowed by something everyone perceived to be bigger, more acceptable.”

Whereas his relationship with Jae was high maintenance romance and sex; the connection with Changmin was more like a marriage with give and take, love and war. The DBSK Duo worked because of that sacred association. HoMin needed each other, depended on each other and thrived. He couldn’t say that about YunJae. And while the split with Jaejoong just about killed his spirit, the joy he’s found with Changmin revitalized him – them.

Yunho could understand why the maknae had been so intense. Jaejoong had his chance and walked away, only to regret it. Changmin was in the midst of his chance and staying for the long haul. The young man had so much more at stake.

He stopped in front of his image again and wiped a stray tear. If only he could reciprocate to either of them in the way they wanted. But he didn’t play that way. He wanted a female lover and a family. He had always wanted that. And now he was crying full on just thinking about how he had messed up two other people’s lives with his ‘fan service’/cowardly way of dealing with the real issue. He was running out of time and would have to proverbially ‘man up’.

Taking a seat on the ledge he noticed more than just a crowd had gathered below. The street had been closed off on either end of the block. Somehow he completely missed the police and fire departments showing up and barricading the crowd to the sidewalk across the street. For a moment Yunho wondered if they were there for some other reason…like a bank heist in the building under him. 

He took another sip of Coke, watching the action below him like a television show until he realized he was the subject of the programming. Several bodies appeared on rooftops adjacent and across from his position: SWAT teams not in place to shoot him, but as a scouting party to figure out how to best get him to safety. Yunho thought it was a big waste of resources, as he could easily climb down the same way he came up. It all seemed so surreal and ridiculous that he fell backward laughing. 

Evidently that made everyone panic as their voices of concern finally reached his ears. The screams of fans were always the loudest wherever he went; and therefore, the most distinguishable of noises. It was the sound of men telling him not to jump that really had him confused. Once his brain processed what they were implying, Yunho sat up in strict seriousness. 

He couldn’t remember ever thinking that he was doing anything more than getting away to gain perspective. So how did these people think otherwise? Yunho closed his eyes and replayed the past 24 hours in his head. Jaejoong showed up, Yunho yelled at Changmin; Yunho moved out, Changmin yelled at Yunho; Yunho left SM unguarded, Yunho yelled at himself on a billboard. Yep, he had made some bad and/or weird choices. He wasn’t normally like this. And surely Jaejoong and Changmin weren’t the only people upset by his actions. 

Yunho looked down at the people, then around to the men surveilling him. They were all strangers thinking he was on a suicidal mission. Deep in his heart he knew he wasn’t; but somewhere in his brain, there might have been a notion. Choosing one man over the other was a form of suicide. Killing YunJae; killing HoMin, it all entailed the death of a part of himself. But squelching the pairings with the truth of his heterosexuality would kill some of U-Know’s popularity, possibly resulting in the death of his career. 

Too many pretenses. He had gotten to his feet effortlessly and gracefully to begin his pace on the shallow ledge. Earlier he had wondered what Jaejoong and Changmin had to gain and/or lose by making their confessions. Yunho had never considered what he himself would be gaining or losing. Choosing or not choosing was nothing more than running away from himself to avoid conflict. As if God was trying to warn him, a clap of thunder rolled through Seoul. He felt the reverberations rumble through the metal of the billboard and pulsate through his feet up his legs. 

Yunho halted as if an earthquake had hit. He looked up at the sky expecting to see God’s eyes looking down on him, perhaps even with a frown on his face. But all he saw was the heavy clouds that had accumulated over the city. Yunho looked out at the bright lights that were now shrouded in mist. Seconds later it began to rain.

Several people gathered across the street had taken shelter under the awnings of nearby businesses. The emergency personnel began to takes shifts to change into rain gear. Only the SWAT team members stood steady; no amount of precipitation deterring them from their job. Yunho took his next step. The ledge had become slick with rain. His foot slid out from under him. 

There was a collective gasp from the crowd as he teetered, the Coke unceremoniously dropped in his determination not to go down on his ass, let alone fall to his death. Yunho eased himself to a seated position on the shelf and waited for his heart to stop pounding. Sure, he could just climb his way back down…but he wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat by wet metal. He didn’t have his answer yet. 

He held on and dared to look over the edge to see what had become of his Coke. From the looks of it, the plastic bottle bounced, as it was nowhere in sight. Yunho scanned the ground wondering if he could catch the reflection of the plastic container on the street – seeming lit to a brightness that wasn’t naturally induced. He knew he wouldn’t have bounced, that the artificial lights would have illuminated is broken body and possibly his blood as it oozed onto the pavement. And then something gleamed, catching his eye.

The bottle stood at the feet of some of the police officers. Two of the three sets of feet wore the standard issue black shoes of the uniform. The other shoes were, in fact, leather boots, probably Italian in origin. Yunho looked up to the faces, pretty sure the one belonging to the boots was Jaejoong. 

It was. Yunho had only wished he felt something reassuring in that moment; but he felt nothing.

“Yah, are you trying to kill yourself?”

Jaejoong’s voice cut through the rain with the help of a bullhorn. Yunho was disappointed. The most clichéd question ever had come with the satoori he used to love. Now it just grated on his nerves. He looked away, trying to avoid the older man.

That’s when he noticed a hooded figure running toward Jaejoong. They interacted a few moments before the megaphone was pried away from Jaejoong’s hands. 

“Hey, idiot, you’re sitting on a big lightning rod! If it’s your idea to fry yourself in front of fans and on national television, you picked the right place and time.”

Changmin’s voice wasn’t tinged with the mirth used when he scolded his leader. What he had called out was what he thought Yunho needed to hear. The leader had placed himself in danger with witnesses to his stupidity. What had these two men done to him? 

“Go home, all of you!” Yunho shouted. He meant it, too. He planned on taking his own advice as soon as he knew how to get himself out of the current predicament. 

To his surprise, no one left. Well, almost no one. Jaejoong stayed, staring up at him like he was some crazy version of his usual self. Changmin walked away. It was just as well. He came to remind Yunho that he was being that crazy version of himself and allowed the leader to make his own choice.

Yunho realized he was grinning. Whether it was Jaejoong’s head following the maknae after finding the bullhorn shoved back in his hands, or the hesitation that came with him trying to use it to talk his friend down off the ledge, Yunho wasn’t sure. He had just about got it to his mouth when Yunho shouted, “Go home Jaejoong. I’ll come down when everybody leaves. Right now, I just want to be alone.”

Thunder rumbled again, as if God agreed. Changmin’s warning of lightning made him shift uneasily on the billboard. The police had begun trying to disband the crowd below. Jaejoong took a few steps back, leaning up against the closest police car. The SWAT team members remained statuesque. 

The rain came down a little harder, blurring the city and Yunho’s vision. He was thoroughly drenched and distracted by the pinging of water droplets hitting the metal around him and the steam rising from the face of the lights aimed at the advertisement. A gurgle of sound from below reached him as hands raised toward where he was sitting. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Yunho saw a figure approaching the ledge of the billboard. One of the SWAT members, no doubt, here to coax him from his perch. The man moved toward him slowly, using his arms to balance. Yunho made no attempt to move.

“Shove over, you big dope.” A shoe nudged Yunho’s thigh. He looked up as the person pulled back the hood from his head. 

“Changminnie!” Yunho beamed a smile at him. “What are you doing up here?”

He watched as the maknae cautiously eased himself to a sitting position, noting the harness and rope that secured him to something…or someone.

“I had to look like I was trying to rescue you. God forbid, if you died, I’d never live down the fact that I didn’t pull your stupid ass out of trouble.”

“I’m not in trouble,” Yunho told him matter-of-factly. 

“Are you sure?” Changmin teased him.

Yunho looked down at the fans again. “Only if I fall off this platform in front of them.”

Changmin shimmied a bit, taking off a thick leather belt.

“What are you doing? You’re going to fall to your death. Then I’ll never live down the fact that I led you to your death.”

“If I were to live, I would tell them you pushed me,” Changmin sneered. “They sent me up with a ‘buddy belt’. Put it on so I can hook you to me, and we can get our sorry butts off this oversized poster.”

“I’m straight,” Yunho said humbly. “I love you, but I don’t love you romantically.”

“No kidding,” Chanmin said with a chuckle. “I know you like women. And I know you once loved Jaejoong romantically. I thought you might be bisexual, and I would be okay with that. But I know what he did to you changed you.”

“I led you on. I’m sorry.” Yunho hung his head causing a cascade of water to drip from his wet hair.

“I wanted to be led on. I hoped you could find what you had with him with me.”

“When you left…down there…I thought you had given up on me.” Yunho wanted to add that he was surprised Jaejoong didn’t take any action – either way – but that was a moot point. It was never a test. Changmin did what he thought best for Yunho, and that gave the leader the insight to his answer.

“I didn’t give up on you then, and I won’t know. Probably not ever. 

“I won’t lie and say I don’t love you. I understand you can’t love me the same way. But that doesn’t change a thing between us.”

“There will always be awkwardness.”

“Not from me. I’m just happy to have you in my life, as my partner—however much you want to give.”

Yunho hugged his maknae with all his might.


End file.
